When things go wrong most people gravitate immediately into groups usually with the people they are closest to. They talk about things and get through it with each other. They talk about things and comfort each other for support.

I am the opposite..I need to be on my own in the immediate aftermath to process everything and to deal with it in my own head, and only then do I feel the need to be with other people and to join in the coping process.

I dont know why this is and I think people misunderstand this a lot of the time for being cold or unemotional. Its not though….as I need people’s help and support as much as anyone else, but I need to sort my own head out first before I can deal with anyone else’s emotions.

I need that hug and that shoulder just as much as anyone else, I just need it a day or two later than most.

My mum and dad phoned a few minuted ago and suggested the idea of all the family going out for a meal to remember the day Trev died and I said I didn’t want to go…..

and I feel absolutely awful about this….

But I can’t face it….I need to spend tomorrow on my own…I cannot go and spend the time at a meal with my family (as much as I love them and want to) because it will just remind me too much that Trev isn’t there, that he has now been gone for a year and that he really isn’t ever coming back..

It will be awful all sitting around knowing that a year ago our lives fell apart…Sitting around looking at each other trying not to cry….Sitting around feeling terrible that he isn’t there..

I am worried now though that I have offended my mum and dad…that they think I don’t want to come because I don’t want to be with them, but its not..I just can’t do it tomorrow….

Any other day of the year I would jump at the chance to spend as much time with them as possible, but not tomorrow.

It is probably selfish of me, but tomorrow I need to protect myself..I need to get through it in my own way so I had to tell them no….even if it means hurting their feelings.

But I feel awful about this…and I am really really sorry mum and dad but I can’t…

I feel like the bad son/brother now as I am the one who doesn’t go to his grave, I am the one who doesn’t want to get together with the family….I just need to deal with it my own way..and I am sorry.

My aim tomorrow is to sleep for as much of it as possible, then to get up and play Trev’s guitar until my fingers bleed, then to cuddle my daughter as much as I can and then to go and get really really really drunk, because that is the only way I know to deal with the wave of emotion that is looming over me like some kind of tidal wave.

Basically he is a paramedic who was in an accident.  He has known for awhile that he has to have his leg amputated.  He has been writing all about what that feels like and then today he actually had it done…

Check it out here

But I hauled my ass out of bed moaning away and I got myself ready for work…

I drove to work still moaning and then I got to work and moaned about being there..

Then I got sent on stand by (which I moaned about) and while I was on standby the sun rose over the horizon and the entire world for a few minutes was splashed with a golden haze and I could almost see the light spilling out into the world….It was running across the hills like custard over a pudding. It was amazing..

I just sat there and watched in awe for awhile…

It made getting up at 5am totally worth it today

Well my left eye is absolutely perfect and exactly how I imagined it would be..my right eye not so much.

Basically I still have some blurriness in my right eye and seeing as I paid so much money for this I am not totally happy.  Therefore I have booked an appointment next week to have it assessed and see if they think it needs anymore treatment.

I will say the thought of having the eye surgery done again is not something that fills me with glee, but if it needs to be done again then it needs to be done.

After having a heart transplant I guess a small little op like this is a walk in the park…

My dad was more worried about missing the Swindon vs Leicester game than the operation

But just so you know we are thinking of you this arvo dad…

The first one is to go and experience this:

It would just be amazing…talk about being totally immersed in an experience…I have sat on the edge of smaller waterfalls before in Australia, but nothing like Victoria Falls.

This is currently my number one thing to do  in the world…

I just need to find someone to go with me as its not really Carla’s thing (maybe Izzy will want to do it when she is older)

The other is to see the northern lights….I am planning on making that trip on my 40th birthday.

So I hate not being good at things instantly….In fact I often give up on a lot of things because I can’t do them instantly..

Last night was a classic example of my impatience.  I went to my “3rd” ever guitar lesson and came home annoyed that I couldn’t instantly play the song that the guitar teacher had picked out for me to learn.  I felt like a complete failure that I couldn’t even play the most basic of songs…I was really quite down on leaving the lesson.

But then I remembered it was only my 3rd lesson..I am not meant to be any good yet..that I am going to lessons to learn things like this so I can get good, and the only way I am going to get good is to practice.

I think because I have on and off strummed guitars over the years that I thought I was actually better than I am…But I realised last night that I am actually a complete beginner.  I realised that I can’t actually play the guitar and that it is going to take a lot of work for me to be able to do it.

But I am not going to give up…As I said I am going to learn to play the guitar well even if it takes me until I am 100 years old.

I just have to accept that I am not going to be a great guitarist in a matter of weeks…that it is probably going to take me months if not years before I become anything like a competant player.  But here is what I have to remember

I will get there!

Izzy does the cutest thing at the moment…She will see you sitting somewhere on your own and will come over lay her head on you and go “aaaawwww” and then smile and walk away….

It melts my heart every single time she does it…

I guess thats the thing about having kids though, just when you think it isn’t possible to love them more than you actually do, they surprise you with something that just takes a little bit of weight off your soul.